5 Tips for Dating After Divorce

Divorce often leaves us in a social vacuum, we no longer have the social circle we once had as singles and it is difficult to socialise with our married friends as we usually share these with our ex.

Divorce also often leaves us with diminished confidence and the years of marriage have blunted our dating skills. So how do we get back out there and start dating again?

Here are 5 tips for dating after divorce:

1. Embrace being single

You have decided you want to date again, you are sick of being single and get lonely in the evenings, so why am I telling you to embrace being single? When you are single and lonely it is all too easy to start going out with entirely unsuitable people just to fill the gap. Once you start to embrace being single you will see that it allows you the choice to pick carefully who you are going to date. What I mean by this is not to love being single or determine that you are destined to be single forever but see it as a positive step toward finding someone new, you are now single and have all the time in the world to find Mr/Miss Right. It's better to go out with your friends or stay home with a good book than date someone just for the company, it saves a lot of heartache.

2. Positive Self Image

So during your marriage you got into a rut and swapped the sexy clothes for baggy sweaters, you dye your own hair now and you simply no longer feel attractive. So why would a date be attracted to you, not because of the sloppy sweaters but because of the negative self image you have. Next you need to deal with your self image. Buy a book on positive self image, get your hair done professionally, dig those sexy clothes out of the back of the wardrobe and when you can stand in front of a mirror and smile then you are ready to date again. I repeat, it's not about the clothes or the hair they are just a confidence building tool, it's about having and projecting a positive attitude about yourself.

3. Social Circle

Build a new social circle before you consider dating again. Friends are a great source for bouncing ideas off, they will let us know if the person we are thinking of dating has also dated every man/woman in a 5 mile radius and they help to build our confidence again. A social life away from dating will also stop us feeling desperate to find someone to fill those lonely evenings and dates can spot desperation a mile away (it's not an attractive quality in case you haven't realised).

4. Hobbies

Ever fancied salsa dancing, pottery or archery? Now is the time to give it a go. Never thought of having a hobby, then it is time to try one. Everyone says to newly single people "get a hobby" but there is much wisdom in what is usually a throw away comment. It doesn't even have to cost you any money, most libraries have a book club, most areas have free classes for single parents and even in the middle of nowhere you will find a rambling club.

This will get you out of the house, making new friends and increasing your positive self image. Do not tell me you don't have any time, a friend of mine is a single mother, works 14 hours a day mon-fri and is the most socially active person I know, forever going sailing, playing sports, taking the kids to museums, etc – it's all about positive mental attitude.

5. Join the Girl Guides or Boy Scouts

Silly joke, however the boy scouts and girl guides are "always prepared" and you need to be too. There are known patterns to online dating sites, with Christmas and the New Year being the busiest time of year because this is when singles feel most lonely. Think ahead to your anniversary date, your ex's birthday, holidays and plan for them. You will probably feel sad or lonely at these times so arrange to visit family or friends, book a weekend away or do something special for yourself that you always enjoy and will take your mind off your situation.

8 Common Mistakes Men Make with Online Dating Profile Photos

There are a number of common mistakes that men make with displaying an online dating profile photo.

Most online dating sites will now allow you to have a number of photos on your profile but the most important photo is the one that first shows when your dating profile opens and this should be of you.

It is very noble to say "people should get to know me and not just be attracted to my looks" but that is simply not how the human mind works. Physical attraction is still a very necessary part of the dating process, so here are 8 of the most common mistakes:

1. No photo

This can suggest a number of things, either you have no confidence, are the elephant man or don't want your wife finding out you are registered with a dating site. There are no positive aspects to not having a profile photo and this is unlikely to find you a date. If you are simply concerned about who may see you are registered with an online dating site (eg work colleagues or your children) then join a site that allows you to hide your photo and only share it with people you accept as friends. Beware of saying you will email a photo, ladies receive the most revolting pictures this way and will be wary of accepting your email.

2. False photos

Putting up a photo of Brad Pitt, a male model, you when you were 23 or one of your better looking friends may well get you more responses but what will happen when you actually meet someone in real life and they immediately see you are a fake? What else will they think you have lied about?

3. The cut out or ex

Displaying a photo of yourself with a beaming smile, female arm around you and what is obviously long hair trailing on your shoulder is not what women want to see. Also a photo with a female, whether that is your ex or a female friend sends bad signals. Most women would immediately compare themselves to the woman in the photo and it may just put them off contacting you or responding to your contact.

4. Group photos

Putting up a photo of you and three friends on a stag weekend and saying I'm second from the left will simply mean people can't really see your face. Yes it means you are fun, active and have friends but people initially want to see you and decide if you are their type physically.

5. Self taken shots

A profile photo which clearly shows you are holding the camera yourself is actually quite negative, it suggests you are unable to find anyone to take a good picture of you. Webcam photo's are simply bad quality and tend to show your face from a strange angle. It takes little effort to get a friend or family member to take a nice picture of you for your profile and the resulting contacts will make the effort worthwhile.

6. Children in photos

Men seem to be more prone to including a photo with their children, whether this is through pride or to show they are a family man but it is a mistake. Children have the right to privacy and it is easy to get chatting online and give out snippets of details about where you live or the name of the school your child(ren) attend and you have no idea who you are handing that information to. Keep your children safe and only show their photo to people you have been speaking to for some time and feel confident will not abuse your trust.

7. The naked chest

Unless you are joining an adult dating site then just don't do it, it isn't attractive even if you have a six pack. Yes of course women look and will probably find it sexy but it is very hard to take a man seriously that feels the need to display his chest. If you have a six pack then wear a tight t-shirt and leave something to the imagination.

8. Sunglasses, hats and sports gear

So you think you look like Tom Cruise in your aviator sunglasses or just cool in your baseball cap (plus it hides the thinning hairline) but women want to see your face so don't hide behind props

For the best dating profile photo get an up to date photo of your head and shoulders, make sure it is clear and good quality. Ladies want to see your eyes, your smile and the real you.

As a demonstration look at these two photos and decide which would be more attractive to women:

7 Signs Your Partner is Cheating on You

Cheating partners tend to have certain habits in common, so here are 7 signs that may be an indication your partner is cheating on you.

Bank robbers do not plan a robbery with the intention of being caught, they assume they are more intelligent than those in jail and that they will get away with it. Cheating partners are exactly the same, they don't have an affair assuming they will get caught out, they assume they are too careful, too clever to be caught committing adultery but how wrong they are.

It is a sad fact that some partners do cheat and all too often it ends in disaster, divorce and financial difficulty, all for an afternoon or two of 'fun'.

Here are 7 signs of a cheating partner, provided by a firm of very experienced private investigators in the UK. If you are cheating and your partner hires these guys then be afraid, be very afraid, they WILL catch you out.

These signs show a pattern of behaviour followed by most cheaters and may help you assess whether your partner is cheating on you.

1. They get a second mobile phone, which is a pay as you go phone. They may claim this is a work phone or it's for making private calls because work are clamping down on private calls on works mobiles. Pay as you go phones do not have itemised billing and calls and voicemail messages are easily deleted and cannot be retrieved. This covers their tracks nicely, as you cannot check their phone logs or bills.

2. They suddenly develop a new friend of the same gender, who they call and text regularly but you have never met. They know you will ask questions if they suddenly have a new number for someone of the opposite sex, so they save the number and change Bob into Susan or Susan into Bob to allay your suspicions. As adults our friendships tend to develop slowly and we discuss the development of the new friendship with our partner (eg we met for lunch, snippets about their life as you learn more about them). A sudden new 'best friend' that they need to contact and meet regularly, just as children do, can be an indicator of something amiss.

3. After years of working regular hours they start to work overtime or at weekends but they are not earning overtime pay or receive a salary rise or bonus. It really is the oldest one in the book but people still use it because work activities are so often not questioned. This is an obvious indicator if coupled with other signs.

4. They start to hang out with single friends more often. We are all gender biased in favour of our own gender to a degree and single friends will often provide cover stories for married friends affairs. If your partner used to meet a single friend for drinks once a month and it's now twice a week, start asking yourself questions.

5. They start to treat you differently, either less or more affectionately. The age old joke about a husband bringing his wife flowers for no reason being an indicator of an affair is all too often true. Why? Because people that are cheating change emotionally, they are excited, they are happy, they are scared of being caught, etc and only a sociopath can hide these emotional changes. They may go off you totally or try to compensate for their guilty feelings by being more affectionate toward you.

6. They change their appearance, start going to the gym and suddenly become more interested in their looks. We all like to look our best when we are dating and someone new showing interested in us lifts our ego and this makes us more aware of our appearance. They may start to wear new sexier underwear or tighter fitting clothes and spend longer getting ready when they are going out.

7. If you are suspicious and you confront them with your fears they become very defensive and deny, deny, deny. The Two Ronnies once did a brilliant comedy sketch where a wife walks in on her cheating spouse and he simply denies there is a woman in the room, as she is getting dressed in the background. They do not discuss your feelings or concerns, they simply get angry and defensive. If your partner loves you and is not cheating they will be more concerned with dealing with your suspicions but if they are cheating they will simply be concerned about not getting caught and this makes them scared and angry. So if they thrust the phone at you and say "here, call them then" do not back down and say "no, it's ok I believe you", that is exactly the reaction they want. If you take the phone off them to call, a cheating partner will snatch the phone back and start ranting about lack of trust.

There is some excellent advice on ways to catch a cheating partner on Salgado Investigations website and if you suspect your partner is cheating I suggest you read it.

If you are thinking about hiring a private investigator but not sure who to look for in your area then check out Salgado and find a firm that offer similar services where you are. It may seem extreme to employ a PI but these days there is often so much at stake in a divorce that in the long run it may be worth it.

5 Ways to be a Great Date

Most people when asked "are you a great date" would automatically reply either "yes" or "I hope so" but how do you know if you really are a great date?

Is it by the number of times you are asked on a second date or the times your date accepts a second date? Perhaps it is how much you make your date laugh or how long the date last for? Maybe you think it is how well you dress or where you choose to take your date?

The secret to being a good date is all in your attitude, if you are relaxed and having a good time then you will be a good date, no matter what you're wearing or whether that spot on your chin is covered up enough.

Here are some tips to help you become a really good date :

Don't agree to do anything you do not enjoy. Perhaps his passion is fishing or she loves ice skating but unless you also enjoy these activities then you are going to get bored and neither of you will have a good time.

Line the dates up, no seriously keep your options open and date lots of people. If you only have one date every six months then the pressure on getting it right and them being "the one" becomes overpowering for you both. If you make friends of the opposite sex online and don't have a date this Saturday then ask a friend if they want to meet and have some fun.

Unless you can both talk for England then don't opt for the usual evening in a pub or restaurant. If you are not sure you can talk non-stop for four hours or are a little shy then choose to do an activity, go to the cinema or a walk round the local antiques market. It is much harder to relax and flirt when sitting opposite someone for hours trying to keep the conversation going, so opt for an activity that allows you both to relax and have fun with each other.

Keep the conversation positive and light, don't discuss your health issues or how much you hate your boss/ex partner/next door neighbour. Without chemical assistance nobody is upbeat and positive all the time but a first date is not the time to get into your 'issues', you will just come across as a boring winger.

Have something to talk about, read the paper, watch the news, read a book, just have something in your conversation arsenal above and beyond "what's your favourite food?" Don't pretend to be interested in a subject you are not, you will just look silly but even if you just say "I was reading about the US election and I just don't understand their political system" will allow your date to discuss their knowledge of the subject or allow you both to laugh at a subject neither of you understand.

If you want to be a great date then you should also read my tips for 6 things not to discuss or talk about on a first date

Dating dilemmas – Dealing with Jealousy

Dealing with irrational jealousy can be a destructive process, particularly in a newly formed relationship. Jealousy is a natural human emotion and one we often cannot control.

A debate regarding this subject is currently going on in my sites forum about the difference between healthy and unhealthy levels of jealousy. Jealousy is called the green eyed MONSTER for a reason.

A certain degree of jealousy from our partner can be flattering, it shows they care about us but when it gets out of control without good reason it can be very self destructive and may well end your relationship completely.

Can we control our feelings of jealousy and can we even recognise when those feelings are out of control? Like the drunk that 'must' drink but refuses to admit to themselves that they have a problem, are chronically jealous people unable to recognise that their behaviour is destructive?

I would like to share an excellent example of how jealousy can destroy not only a relationship but also how it can effect your partners self esteem, my thanks to Jan for her permission to publish her comments.

"Sometimes a persons own insecurities and how they feel about themselves causes them to feel negative emotions – ie if a person genuinely feels ugly, no amount of compliments about how they look will change their perception of themselves; this can be to a greater or lesser degree … ie a teenager may feel fat – no matter how much friends or relatives reassure the teenager – they eat less and less … they constantly look in the mirror and see a fat person looking back at them; this becomes an illness … an obsessive eating disorder. At this extreme – the individual involved cannot be helped by friendly reassurance or 'positive' feedback from people close to them.

The same applies to many areas of a persons psychological make-up – a person who finds it impossible to feel good about themselves can find it equally impossible to believe that they are worthy of love; this may be a mild insecurity that does indeed respond to reassurance … or it can be a deeper insecurity that will be a great burden to them and will manifest itself in a number of ways – jealousy – possessiveness – depression – and will have a detrimental effect on the relationship they are in… their partner, after continually trying to reassure them, and finding no improvement – will start to retreat. Being the partner of someone who does not trust you and watches your every move and needs constant boosting of their ego becomes very wearing and stretches ones patience to its limits. A 'High maintainence' relationship like this soon loses it appeal. In a normal, healthy relationship, the mutual reasurances and positive input strengthen the bond between the couple.

However, if one or both of the people involved are suffering from deeper emotional insecurities it is not so simple and the more they reassure each other, the more reassurance is needed … it becomes a destructive relationship.

For example — Tim does not feel good about himself (for whatever reason) and he drinks a lot to help boost his confidence; his partner, Jane, is an attractive lady, confident, hardworking and popular. She thinks the world of Tim and has eyes only for him. He, however, because of his feelings of low self esteem, finds it difficult to accept that someone like Jane truly loves him. He is suspicious of her every move – he gets angry if she speaks to anyone of the opposite sex, he rings her 6 times a day … he over reacts if she is late in from work … Jane wants him to be happy; she repeatedly tells him how much she loves him. She starts to avoid any conversations with men in the pub or out socially. She finds herself looking at the floor in order to avoid being accused of 'looking at a man' – She starts to ring Tim as soon as she sets of from work to put his mind at rest … she is feeling the strain of his constant interrogation of her but because she loves him she puts every effort into keeping the peace. However, she starts to feel insulted at his lack of trust in her …. she has never done anything to warrant this constant attack on her faithfulness to Tim … he starts to make her feel that she must be some sort of slut … does she really give Tim the impression that she is 'up for it' and is not to be trusted? She finds her self esteem is slowly depleting … she feels anxious about what she wears (is she dressing like a tart?' )…. anxious about wearing make-up 'Is she courting male attention?' and before she knows it, she is in a relationship where she feels every day she is walking on eggshells trying to keep Tim from getting angry. She has stopped going out with friends (Tim interrogates her upon her return) … she has stopped enjoying socialising with Tim (as soon as he has had a few drinks he starts being unpleasant and accuses her of flirting or 'eyeing up' some bloke in the pub )…

Jane is half the person she used to be … despite all the effort she put into the relationship, despite all her reassurances, the love, the tenderness… Tim has become worse. Jane now has low self esteem … she feels unworthy of being loved …"

Jealousy in a relationship is more often than not about your own self esteem, not about the actions of your loved one. However they are your loved one, why would you want someone you love to feel bad about themselves, why would you want to be the cause of their low self esteem. Of course you wouldn't and if you could control your jealousy you would see the effect it is having on someone you love.

If you have a jealousy problem the first step is to admit that your jealousy is a personal issue and something that is both destructive to you and your partner. For help on recognising and dealing with jealousy please check out the links below, they may just save your relationship.

Truth About Deception offers advice about recognising and dealing with your jealous feelings.

It is not only ladies that check mobile phones, go through pockets and throw a fit the moment their partner glances at someone from the opposite sex. Askmen.com has an excellent article offering Top 10: Ways to deal with jealousy it is worth a read if you have a problem keeping your jealousy under control.

Jealousy can get out of control, so if you are aware that you are acting in an unhealthy jealous way but feel unable to control it yourself then please visit your doctor and ask to be referred to a psychologist. That doesn't mean you are weak, mad or a bad person, it simply means you have an emotion that you are finding hard to deal with. Imagine how good your self esteem, life and relationship could be if you could rid yourself of your irrational jealousy.

If you are in a relationship with a jealous partner and are not behaving in a way that should result in jealousy then try to talk to them, read about jealousy and what causes that level of jealousy to emerge. Urge your partner to seek help for the sake of you both, whether that is through a self help programme or a professional. However do not allow their irrational emotion to cause your self esteem to falter, this is a 'them' issue and no amount of trying to change on your part is going to stop their need for constant reassurance or feelings of jealousy.

The Art of Rejection

One dilemma with dating online is how to reject people you meet offline that simply aren't what you are looking for. It is so easy to get carried away with the idea of who someone online is, the image of them you create in your mind can be far from reality but until you actually meet there is no telling if they are the one you are looking for.

Rejecting someone can be very difficult, I have always found it difficult because I don't like hurting others feelings and I am equaly uncomfortable with the emails after a date asking me to explain why they are not my Mr Right.

The Americans have an expression I like, which is "he's just not that in to you" which of course can just as easily be she's just not that in to you. You may meet someone that has every quality you are looking for but for some unexplainable reason they just aren't that special someone. I say unexplainable because they may be great looking, funny, intelligent, in fact they tick all your boxes but the chemistry just isn't there.

The real difficulty comes when that person is 'in to you' because for you it is almost like rejecting a coffee, there is no emotion at stake but you know you will hurt their feelings. There is nothing you can do about it, people will say "I can change and become the person you are looking for" but they are just kidding themselves, if the chemistry doesn't exist nothing can force it to.

Rejection is not something a majority of us take well, we all want to be special, we want people to like us even if we don't like them – it's strange but true.

It took me years to learn the art of rejection and I would either string people along in order not to hurt their feelings or torture myself trying to work out why I was not 'the one' for them. My lesson came when I met someone that was good at rejecting people kindly and it is one of my most memorable dates.

We had been chatting online for some time, he was funny, intelligent and I liked the photos he sent me. We had a lot in common and online seemed perfectly suited. Eventually we met for lunch and whilst there was no wow factor when we shook hands I felt he could certainly grow on me. We had lunch and went for a walk around town, there were no uncomfortable silences and things went well. Late afternoon we reached our cars and he shook my hand and said "it has been great to meet you, you are terrific and just like you are online but I'm afraid not the one for me. I hope you find your Mr Right soon". With that he pecked me on the cheek got in to his car and drove off.

For the first time there had been no uncomfortable moment, I didn't feel the need to ask why and I felt in no way hurt. There were no silly promises of staying in touch or remaining friends, we both knew we were looking for something special and for him I was not it. Yet ten years later I still remember our date and remain content with it.

What did he do that was different? He was totally genuine, when he said it had been great to meet me he had meant it and when he told me I was terrific he looked me in the eye and said it with confidence, I believed him. He wasn't rejecting me because I wasn't special, he was rejecting me because I wasn't that special someone for him.

That is the key to the art of rejection, to make someone feel valued and special, to say plainly you are not the one but I genuinely hope you find what you are looking for. That allows them to walk away with head held high and not feel inadequate or question their appearance or character.

I am very grateful for that lesson and hope in the past decade when I have rejected someone I have done so in a way that makes them equally valuable as a person and accept that for me they are simply not my special someone.

On a final note, there is someone out there for everybody so please don't feel the need to explain to people what you find unattractive about them, what is unattractive to you may be just the thing someone else is looking for. It is okay to suggest they put a more recent photo or tell the truth about their age but leave personal appearance and character traits out of the discussion.

Not sure what to say to people when you want to say thanks but no thanks, Ronnie Ann Ryan gives10 kind ways to say it in one of her online articles.

Jamy explains a perfect example of what can happen when you don't give a clear message and allow things to flow beyond the first date in her how to say no blog post.

Are You Lonely and Looking for Love?

Mother Teresa said "The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread" and rarely have truer words been spoken.

Unless you have been crushingly lonely you don't understand just what a strong and self destructive emotion it can be.

I am not talking about the level of loneliness you can feel when you fancy a night out but your friends are all busy.

I mean the level where you feel consumed by your loneliness, even when you are in a room full of people you are chatting to.

The trouble with this depth of loneliness is you can become convinced that only a romantic relationship can relieve your lonely feelings.

Dating can actually add to the feeling of loneliness, as your emotions become virtually tangible and your dates will pick up on this desperation, frightening them away.

The chance of meeting "the one" in the first person you date is less likely than winning the lottery, this means rejection is a certainty and rejection is not going to lift your spirits or build your confidence.

Another negative when dating in this emotional state is the possibility of entering a relationship with someone totally unsuitable in order to simply deal with your lonely emotions.

The only healthy solution to this depth of loneliness is to recognise that dating is not the immediate answer, that is not to say you should avoid dating but see it as a lower priority.

Your first priority should be to recognise that feeling lonely and being alone are two very different things. Being single is not why you feel this way, plenty of married people suffer from loneliness. This is so easy to say but not as easy to do, if necessary get professional help to separate these issues in your mind.

Once you have recognised the difference you can begin to work on changing your emotional state. If lack of company causes your loneliness you can learn to be happy in your own company, to enjoy time without being in a relationship.

When you are busy it is more difficult to feel lonely, your mind is on other things. If you are bored with nothing to physically do then finding a love interest can become of paramount importance, adding to your lonely feelings because love rarely appears in an instant.

The web now provides an outlet to lonely people, with forums on almost any topic and online dating sites where people can not only meet people to date but can also make new friends to stave off lonely feelings.

If you are lonely and considering joining an online dating site then first look to see if they have an active forum, if they don't then do not join. The 'meat market' side of online dating will simply add to your feelings of emotional isolation.

Join a site with an active community and try to focus on making new online friends, if "the one" turns up it will be a plus but once you find new friends you will soon realise that finding a partner is not the only solution to your current emotional state.

Mind have a booklet on how to cope with loneliness and Web of Loneliness provide a number of website links for information and self help for loneliness.

The 10 Biggest Mistakes Men Make In Relationships

Why breaking any single one of these is enough to keep you single

Last week, I posted an article about the 10 biggest mistakes women make in relationships, and I got a lot of very positive feedback on it. When I posted it, I promised to follow up with a version for the guys and interestingly enough, the lists are about as different as the genders themselves. We all have our own unique challenges related to the way we see and interact with the world around us. The good news is that a lot of it could be avoided if more people became conscious of the huge differences in how men and women navigate the world.

As a relationship coach, I can tell you there are so many ways that otherwise good people mess up intimate relationships. Believe me — I hear them all — but most of them fit into just a few key categories. For simplicity sake, I want to outline some of the most common ones to help guys get their girl and keep her. And the good news is, if you see yourself in some of these examples...it can be turned around if you want to make the effort. After all, if you're married, it sure beats losing half of your stuff, and it can very well make your life a lot more fulfilling in the long run. So here they are in no particular order:

1) You Don't Bring Her Presence

No, not that kind of presents. I'm talking about a gift of another kind. I'm talking about the same qualities that make YOU feel good. You know how it feels when you're grounded, centered and on top of your game? You're crystal clear on who you are and what you want. You say what you mean and you mean what you say. You stand firm and you're unwavering in the face of resistance. Sounds great, right? Well, as good as it feels to you, women who navigate by feminine energy love and crave that even more than you! It's hot, and it literally makes the ladies swoon when you hold that space. It makes them feel safe and protected because she trusts that you have what it takes to be her rock. By the same token, every time you act indecisive, fearful, uncertain, or all over the place, it breaks that connection and makes her lose attraction, untrusting, and even repulsed. This is a HUGE one, guys. It literally can make you...or break you.

2) You Don't Get Or Understand Women

Feminine energy navigates the world via emotion, so sometimes it may appear that she's all over the place: happy one minute and raging the next. You should know that description falls far, far short of the definition of "psycho." While that may be hard to understand when we masculine types navigate by logic and making sense, just trust me when I tell you that you'd do the same if you had her body chemistry.

When you understand that her emotions aren't irritating interruptions to your boring status quo, but instead a welcome diversion that actually livens up your world and brings you the best things in life like passion, fun and excitement, you'll see she actually makes your world better every single day. Face it — left to your own devices, you'd probably work too much and have a lot less to look forward to on a regular basis. Look at it this way: the masculine experience is kind of like a coloring book drawing: clear, simple, bold outlines that are fine standing alone on their own. However,they are totally lacking in tone, depth, dimension or color of any kind. But then the feminine energy brings all the colors of the rainbow to it and it becomes brighter, more vibrant and even radiant. Sure every now and then, the darker colors come out and they may even color outside the lines, but it does make life more interesting. Approach it this way and you'll have a whole new appreciation for all the gifts your lady can bring to your world.

3) You Might Actually Be Scared Of Her Or Intimidated By Her

I hate to even bring this one up, but some of you know it's true so let's just get it out of the way. Guys tend to want to be in control and the truth of the matter is...feminine energy is all about flow. Men can't really hold back the "flow" of the tides, and feminine energy can't effectively be controlled long-term either. Tougher guys than you have tried to control it but it doesn't work. A smart man knows how to channel that energy instead. Sometimes it's like a storm. It can be a perfectly beautiful day, and the next thing you know, the clouds appear, the skies get dark and all hell breaks loose. Rather than controlling it, you ride it out, respect it, and know it's all part of the cycle of life. There's no sunshine without rain; no happiness without grief; no black without white. The good news is that on the other side of the storm, the sun comes back out, and life is beautiful again.

4) You Made Something (Or Someone) Else More Important Than Her

Feminine energy responds to adoration and praise. She needs your attention and the presence we already talked about. A compliment and your conscious focus will light her up from the inside and you will get to bask in the glow of her beautiful feminine radiance. On the other hand, because masculine energy tends to be single-focused, targeted and and an inseparable part of who you are as a man...you will, on occasion, ignore her, overlook her and maybe even take her for granted while your attention is elsewhere. This is to be expected; especially when it comes to work and providing for her – but just know that like all things – it has to be balanced. Remember: any time you fail to make her feel special and put something or someone else ahead of her for an extended time...trouble is on the horizon. Don't say I didn't warn you.

5) You're Oblivious To Her Feelings

Now that you know that feminine energy navigates the world via emotion, you'll need to learn to become consciously aware of how that works or you will struggle in relationships with women. Those are your choices so choose carefully. I hate to see someone lose half their stuff in order to get that lesson so believe me, it pays to get outside of your own self-absorbed viewpoint and be cognizant of how your partner is feeling.

Do you remember that "single-focused" aspect to men that we already discussed...especially when it comes to work? That's where a lot of the trouble starts in this area but it is a learned skill. By the way, notice I didn't say you had to "fix" her emotions. They don't need to be fixed — even though we all think we need to fix problems. You just have to notice them, acknowledge them, and ride them out with her while you support her. That's not so hard, right?

6) You Either Didn't Build Trust — Or You Broke It

This is an area where men struggle quite a bit due to several factors. We're logical while they're emotional so we tend to be way less committed, especially early on. By the same token, feminine energy tends to think she's in a "relationship" far sooner than men because she processes emotionally. That combination of logic and lack of early commitment often leads to men looking at other options rather quickly. Whatever mitigating factors may exist, the fact remains that trust is critical for a great relationship. Once it's compromised or even threatened, it is difficult for two parties to regain it. So whenever possible, I urge you to proceed in this area with caution.

7) You're Too Wishy-Washy And Made Her Feel Unsafe

This is the flip side of the presence I talked about in item number one. As intoxicating as a strong, present man can be, a wishy-washy guy who's all over the place can be positively repulsive. It's a huge turn-off and for good reason. Feminine energy's number one need at all costs is to feel "safe." She can't feel safe at all if she's with a spineless, jellyfish of a guy that she can push around. She may ACT like she wants to call the shots herself all the time the truth is, it is absolutely exhausting for a feminine woman to live in her masculine energy for that long. Do both of you a favor and step up into being the kind of man she can rely on to look after what's best for both of you. Trust me— if you do this, you'll both thank me for it.

8) You're Too Self-Absorbed

Masculine energy is heavily predisposed and wired to pursue his mission and achieve goals. He displays his value by his ability to solve problems and fix things. As a result, oftentimes, his needs are met on the most consistent basis through his work or career. In fact, one of the biggest red flags of a relationship in trouble is a man who spends a lot of time at work — not because he may be having an affair — but simply because his needs are being met primarily in the sphere of work and not in his relationship. As I said in mistake number four, any time you put work or anything else ahead of your relationship for an extended time, trouble is on the horizon. Honestly, if you're not willing to make the effort to manage your work/life balance, you're essentially being unfair to both a potential partner and yourself.

9) You Don't See The Value Of what she can bring to you

Usually when someone is far more interested in work, recreational activities or maybe even hobbies, for instance, the truth is they are simply living in alignment with their deepest values. Relationships—or at least the one you may be in at that moment —simply don't measure up to the payoff you're getting in other areas. People will always invest their energy where they feel they get the biggest payoff. A man who is inspired and supported in his mission by his woman will find a way to have both, but it's up to him to prove he has the bandwidth to support both. Guys, you can get all the promotions and raises you want—or land the huge deals that really get your heart pumping—but the question I have for you is...how rewarding is it really if you don't have someone special to celebrate your victories with at the end of the day?

10) You Don't Know What You Want Out Of Life Or You Don't Have Room For Her

It's my hope that after reading this article on the 10 mistakes men make, you'll start to focus less on old mistakes from the past, and instead focus more on the new information I've shared and how to turn it all around. The simplest answer is that if you've had more pain than joy from your relationships in the past, and it stands to reason that you wouldn't exactly be in a hurry to try again, but that's just the pain and fear talking. No matter what you decide, the reality is that your knowledge, awareness and efforts are creating the life you're leading, whether you like it or not. The truth is that we can all only get so far by ourselves. As you'll likely hear at many weddings, the beauty of marriage or relationships in general are that you get to multiply the joy in life and divide the pain when you meet the right one for you. Whatever decision you make, I support that as the right one for you at this time.

Guys, I hope this list not only makes sense to you, but also serves as an "a-ha" moment of sorts that can turn it all around for you in the area of relationships. You should know that a huge part of what I do in my mission is help women understand and work more effectively with men. The reason why is that I know the greatness that can be unleashed in a good man by a good woman who simply gets him and adores him. I know that inside the heart of every man lies the soul of a little boy who dreamed of one day being a hero. I also know that hero is alive and well inside of you right now. He's just waiting to be fully unleashed by an amazing woman who wants, needs, and deeply desires him. If I can help you create a relationship like that, I'd be honored to serve you. Just say the word.

Can We Learn Anything from Arranged Marriages?

We all hear the horror stories of young women forced into loveless arranged marriages by their families and unfortunately this does happen but that is only one aspect of arranged marriage, albeit a very unpleasant aspect.

When I came to the Middle East almost 3 years ago, with my 40 year old independent career women "these poor oppressed women" attitude, I quickly found that what I believed to be the truth was in fact just a very one sided opinion led by the media.

I have met many women here that are in arranged marriages, often with their cousins. Whilst it is only true and fair to say some are utterly miserable, virtual slaves in their own homes, they are in my experience the minority.

Most of the women I meet are perfectly happy with their marriage, more so than most Western women I know. Why should this be?

Let's have a quick look at the process of arranging a marriage over here (that is one arranged for the interests of the couple and not for the interests of the families).

1. A young man will choose someone he is considering for a wife and will inform his family.

2. His family will go to great lengths to find out everything they can about her and her family.

3. If his family approve of his choice in the first instance he will approach the brother/cousin/uncle (but rarely the father) of the proposed bride to be.

4. They will inform the girls family who will look into the proposed grooms background, family and future prospects.

5. At this stage the families get together and discuss the proposed marriage and whether they all feel this is the right marriage for both bride and groom.

6. If everyone, including the bride and groom, is in agreement then the engagement is announced.

This is all assuming that they have not lived 3 streets apart all of their lives and already know everything there is to know about each other, which is more often than not the case.

Ok so it all sounds a little clinical but think about it, the families are not looking through loves young rose tinted glasses, they don't have hormones raging through their veins and aren't in the slightest bit concerned whether he's a good kisser.

Their focus has been on long term compatibility and whether they believe the marriage can survive. Are they of equal intelligence, is she religiously pious but he gets drunk every weekend, are they financially able to start a marriage or family, do they have similar goals in life? All these questions and many more are taken into account to assess whether a marriage between them is viable or simply an infatuation that will quickly fade.

Divorce statistics for the UK show that the highest rates are among people in their 20′s, who have no doubt leapt into an unsuitable union due to infatuation. The stats also show that many divorces occur within the first 2 years of marriage when the initial lust wears thin.

So maybe there is something we can learn. I'm not suggesting we get our families together and go through each others background with a fine tooth comb but a degree of removing the rose tinted glasses and looking at the practicalities of life before marriage may save many people from heartache in the future.

How to Spot an Online Dating Player

>Every online dating site will have it's share of players and if you want to find a genuine relationship then learn to spot the players on the dating sites you join. Let's start with the basics, what is a player and how does joining online dating sites suit their purpose?
I would like to thank Simon for the inspiration to write this post and I dedicate it to you, you are truly a player at heart.

Players are people that use online dating sites to arrange a string of casual encounters, they are simply sexual predators looking for their latest power trip and online dating sites offer a wide range and number of potential victims.

After a few bad experiences and a lot of heartache I now enjoy playing 'spot the players' on dating websites, so it's a strange hobby but after all some people like train spotting don't they?!

Do not confuse a player with people who simply enjoy casual sex, players are called players for a reason, it's all a game to them.

Just to give you an idea of how sick and twisted these people can be, a few years ago when I first joined a dating site I immediately received a message from a lady which said "just to warn you, as you are definately his type, this guy "username" is a player on this site. After he had finished with me recently he actually sent a critique with an overall score out of 10 and a list of ladies on the same site, along with their scores, to make comparisons with. It was a detailed report including my dress, makeup, table manners and of course sexual performance. The cheeky git even added some tips for how I can improve my game. As awful as it is to admit this I just wanted to warn you".

She and I are still friends to this day and sure enough after a few weeks on the site I got my first message from him telling me he was just about to give up on the site when he spotted my profile. I already knew, because of the warning, that he had been a member of the site for over 4 years and sent the same message to every women he went after but had I not have been warned imagine how special that would have made me feel (especially as he had used a photo of a male model from Canada on his profile and whilst I am certainly attractive I am not model material by any stretch of the imagination).

Players can be single, in a relationship or married but they are all looking for one thing, the next challenge and sexual encounter. Modern times now see an increasing number of female players in a game that was traditionally thought of as exclusively male.

Generally when you first join a new dating site you will very quickly be approached by the honest "looking for a casual sexual encounter" gang. They will send you a message saying they like your profile photo and asking if you fancy meeting up for a hot night or weekend.

These people don't trouble me at all as 99 times out of 100 they accept no for an answer. A simple reply saying "sorry that's not what I am looking for" results in never hearing from them again or a polite reply saying " thanks for the reply and I hope you find what you are looking for". These people I can respect, I may not wish to live their lifestyle but they are honest, polite and genuine.

Players are also not the sleazebag brigade. These are the guys and girls that send you sexually explicit, rather nauseating first messages, including their instant messaging details so you can have cyber sex or an unsolicited message saying "liked your profile, blah blah blah, I have attached a photo of myself.

Basically this behaviour is the equivalent of that letch you saw in the supermarket car park last week that told you what a nice attractive bottom you have and what they would like to do to your bottom (but not in those words). Treat the online equivalent with the same contempt and do not respond to them and DO NOT open the attachment, this just feeds their desire to shock. Some people like this sort of thing from a total stranger so leave them to respond.

No, real players are skilled at their game, they are experienced hunters looking for their next victim. They bide their time and take weeks or even months if necessary to get to know you. They will say all the right things at just the right times ….. well they should be good at it, they get enough practice.

As they talk to you over time they will probably mention some woman/man on the site that is 'stalking' them, this is a flashing red light. What this actually means is that the 'stalker' is in fact a previous victim they are continuing to string along.

Unlike people that just enjoy casual sex and then move on, players see their victims as their personal trophy and keep these people hanging on as a symbol of their popularity and skill at the game. In their mind of course there is always the remote possibility they will have a bad weekend without a new victim and may need to call in one of the old ones.

Remember for them it is a game, they are an actor playing the part of James Bond or Marilyn Monroe and will shower you with romance, compliments and be everything you want and need for them to be. For them there is no cheap dirty hotel or fish and chips on the pier, only the best will do and the men will provide it for you and the women will insist on it if you are getting anywhere near their g-string.

Think of these people as trophy hunters, they get their prey in their sights and will go to bizarre lengths to attain their goal. Once they have metaphorically 'shot' you they have no further interest and will move on to the next victim. The sad part is that the first night or weekend you spend together really is special, they are everything you thought they would be but for them the thrill of the game is now over.

However they will not tell you they are no longer interested, so you will get messages like:

The ex wife/husband is causing trouble and they don't want that to interfere in your relationship so can you give them some time to sort their ex out and then you can get back to where you left off.

They have a sick parent/child/pet that needs to be cared for for a while but as soon as they are better the two of you will go away for a holiday to make up for the lost time.

Work is manic, a new project is going badly and they have to go away to sort it out for a while but will keep in touch by email and text.

Their reasons for the cool down are always 'honourable' and designed to keep you poised to come running when they next click their fingers. It is simply a power trip for them and nothing more, they have invested time and energy into you and are not going to give you up that easily.

These guys know what they are doing, they have been at this game for years in most cases and the internet supplies a constantly renewed source of potential victims.

Players tactics include but are not limited to:

the "I am going to leave the site but thought I would just say hi" line – this is designed to make you respond quickly and feel special when they stick around to get to know you. Now ask yourself why they have been a member for X number of years and just decided to leave the site now.

the "I am fed up with the dating game and am going to take a break but would love for us to be friends" line, coupled with their little harem of stalkers of course – ask yourself why Mr/Miss Smooth & Popular wants to be just friends with a total stranger of the opposite sex on a dating site. This is to make you think they aren't just after sex.

Offers of helping you find the right guy/girl because he/she talks to lots of men/women on the site (just as friends of course) and so knows who the players are and can help you avoid them – again designed to make you trust them and believe they aren't after a quick fling.

Asks too many questions about you and your emotions and their replies to your answers go into great detail about how and why they feel the same way. They are using empathy to get you on side, if you have asthma then so do they, if you suffer from depression then they have post traumatic stress disorder, if you have been emotionally hurt then their ex ran off with their best friend, etc.

Players will make declarations of growing attachment and emotion very quickly and use nauseating terms like "you are my soul mate" or "I have waited all my life for my perfect partner and here you are". This can often be before they have even spoken to you on the phone. They are playing into your hopes and dreams of meeting that special someone.

The difficulty in spotting them is that they seem so sincere and the reason is because they are. They are in fact in love ….. however not with you but with the game they are playing.

Now I can hear you saying "I would never fall for that, I'm not that stupid" but believe me a withering wallflower is not a great challenge to them, although it won't stop them using them for practice but a confident savvy individual is just the challenge they are looking for.

These people know what they are doing, they have been at this game for years honing their skills. No doubt they began as clumsy amateurs but by now they are skilled professionals. Unless you have been a victim and so are wise to their game it is well worth a little research to understand what they want and how they operate in order to avoid falling into their game.

So how do you avoid turning down Mr/Miss Right for fear they may be a player? Very simple

life is a compromise, every relationship whether it be romantic, friendship or with family can only be successful if you all compromise. The compromise may be over something seemingly insignificant like preference for sun over snow holidays, red over white wine or taste in music but somewhere in getting to know them you should say to yourself "well I prefer …. but I can compromise on that". If you meet someone on a dating site that is just so perfect for you there simply is no reason to compromise on anything then run like hell for the hills, they are a player.

Mr/Miss Right will be very human. They will have a hair out of place, tell a bad joke, snort when they laugh or drop their fork during dinner. Not so the player, they calculate every move and never put a foot wrong.

Mr/Miss Right will be interested in your friends and family, they will remember that you prefer white to red wine and will ask your opinions (remembering the answers). For players dating is all about them and only them.

A player is very reluctant to make firm plans for the future, I don't mean getting married type plans but a concert next month or attending a birthday party in September, if they make plans with you then they may miss a better offer. A player is also very unlikely to attend anything like a friends birthday party with you as they will not be the star attraction. Mr/Miss Right will be delighted when you invite them and make firm plans for the date.

Real people will talk about their friends, not in a casual way but in a detailed personal way, whereas players have a little black book overflowing with acquaintances but very few meaningful close friends.

There is an excellent article by Pamela Bailey called Spotting the Player in the Online Dating Game over at associated content.