5 Tips for Dating After Divorce

Divorce often leaves us in a social vacuum, we no longer have the social circle we once had as singles and it is difficult to socialise with our married friends as we usually share these with our ex.

Divorce also often leaves us with diminished confidence and the years of marriage have blunted our dating skills. So how do we get back out there and start dating again?

Here are 5 tips for dating after divorce:

1. Embrace being single

You have decided you want to date again, you are sick of being single and get lonely in the evenings, so why am I telling you to embrace being single? When you are single and lonely it is all too easy to start going out with entirely unsuitable people just to fill the gap. Once you start to embrace being single you will see that it allows you the choice to pick carefully who you are going to date. What I mean by this is not to love being single or determine that you are destined to be single forever but see it as a positive step toward finding someone new, you are now single and have all the time in the world to find Mr/Miss Right. It's better to go out with your friends or stay home with a good book than date someone just for the company, it saves a lot of heartache.

2. Positive Self Image

So during your marriage you got into a rut and swapped the sexy clothes for baggy sweaters, you dye your own hair now and you simply no longer feel attractive. So why would a date be attracted to you, not because of the sloppy sweaters but because of the negative self image you have. Next you need to deal with your self image. Buy a book on positive self image, get your hair done professionally, dig those sexy clothes out of the back of the wardrobe and when you can stand in front of a mirror and smile then you are ready to date again. I repeat, it's not about the clothes or the hair they are just a confidence building tool, it's about having and projecting a positive attitude about yourself.

3. Social Circle

Build a new social circle before you consider dating again. Friends are a great source for bouncing ideas off, they will let us know if the person we are thinking of dating has also dated every man/woman in a 5 mile radius and they help to build our confidence again. A social life away from dating will also stop us feeling desperate to find someone to fill those lonely evenings and dates can spot desperation a mile away (it's not an attractive quality in case you haven't realised).

4. Hobbies

Ever fancied salsa dancing, pottery or archery? Now is the time to give it a go. Never thought of having a hobby, then it is time to try one. Everyone says to newly single people "get a hobby" but there is much wisdom in what is usually a throw away comment. It doesn't even have to cost you any money, most libraries have a book club, most areas have free classes for single parents and even in the middle of nowhere you will find a rambling club.

This will get you out of the house, making new friends and increasing your positive self image. Do not tell me you don't have any time, a friend of mine is a single mother, works 14 hours a day mon-fri and is the most socially active person I know, forever going sailing, playing sports, taking the kids to museums, etc – it's all about positive mental attitude.

5. Join the Girl Guides or Boy Scouts

Silly joke, however the boy scouts and girl guides are "always prepared" and you need to be too. There are known patterns to online dating sites, with Christmas and the New Year being the busiest time of year because this is when singles feel most lonely. Think ahead to your anniversary date, your ex's birthday, holidays and plan for them. You will probably feel sad or lonely at these times so arrange to visit family or friends, book a weekend away or do something special for yourself that you always enjoy and will take your mind off your situation.

8 Common Mistakes Men Make with Online Dating Profile Photos

There are a number of common mistakes that men make with displaying an online dating profile photo.

Most online dating sites will now allow you to have a number of photos on your profile but the most important photo is the one that first shows when your dating profile opens and this should be of you.

It is very noble to say "people should get to know me and not just be attracted to my looks" but that is simply not how the human mind works. Physical attraction is still a very necessary part of the dating process, so here are 8 of the most common mistakes:

1. No photo

This can suggest a number of things, either you have no confidence, are the elephant man or don't want your wife finding out you are registered with a dating site. There are no positive aspects to not having a profile photo and this is unlikely to find you a date. If you are simply concerned about who may see you are registered with an online dating site (eg work colleagues or your children) then join a site that allows you to hide your photo and only share it with people you accept as friends. Beware of saying you will email a photo, ladies receive the most revolting pictures this way and will be wary of accepting your email.

2. False photos

Putting up a photo of Brad Pitt, a male model, you when you were 23 or one of your better looking friends may well get you more responses but what will happen when you actually meet someone in real life and they immediately see you are a fake? What else will they think you have lied about?

3. The cut out or ex

Displaying a photo of yourself with a beaming smile, female arm around you and what is obviously long hair trailing on your shoulder is not what women want to see. Also a photo with a female, whether that is your ex or a female friend sends bad signals. Most women would immediately compare themselves to the woman in the photo and it may just put them off contacting you or responding to your contact.

4. Group photos

Putting up a photo of you and three friends on a stag weekend and saying I'm second from the left will simply mean people can't really see your face. Yes it means you are fun, active and have friends but people initially want to see you and decide if you are their type physically.

5. Self taken shots

A profile photo which clearly shows you are holding the camera yourself is actually quite negative, it suggests you are unable to find anyone to take a good picture of you. Webcam photo's are simply bad quality and tend to show your face from a strange angle. It takes little effort to get a friend or family member to take a nice picture of you for your profile and the resulting contacts will make the effort worthwhile.

6. Children in photos

Men seem to be more prone to including a photo with their children, whether this is through pride or to show they are a family man but it is a mistake. Children have the right to privacy and it is easy to get chatting online and give out snippets of details about where you live or the name of the school your child(ren) attend and you have no idea who you are handing that information to. Keep your children safe and only show their photo to people you have been speaking to for some time and feel confident will not abuse your trust.

7. The naked chest

Unless you are joining an adult dating site then just don't do it, it isn't attractive even if you have a six pack. Yes of course women look and will probably find it sexy but it is very hard to take a man seriously that feels the need to display his chest. If you have a six pack then wear a tight t-shirt and leave something to the imagination.

8. Sunglasses, hats and sports gear

So you think you look like Tom Cruise in your aviator sunglasses or just cool in your baseball cap (plus it hides the thinning hairline) but women want to see your face so don't hide behind props

For the best dating profile photo get an up to date photo of your head and shoulders, make sure it is clear and good quality. Ladies want to see your eyes, your smile and the real you.

As a demonstration look at these two photos and decide which would be more attractive to women:

7 Signs Your Partner is Cheating on You

Cheating partners tend to have certain habits in common, so here are 7 signs that may be an indication your partner is cheating on you.

Bank robbers do not plan a robbery with the intention of being caught, they assume they are more intelligent than those in jail and that they will get away with it. Cheating partners are exactly the same, they don't have an affair assuming they will get caught out, they assume they are too careful, too clever to be caught committing adultery but how wrong they are.

It is a sad fact that some partners do cheat and all too often it ends in disaster, divorce and financial difficulty, all for an afternoon or two of 'fun'.

Here are 7 signs of a cheating partner, provided by a firm of very experienced private investigators in the UK. If you are cheating and your partner hires these guys then be afraid, be very afraid, they WILL catch you out.

These signs show a pattern of behaviour followed by most cheaters and may help you assess whether your partner is cheating on you.

1. They get a second mobile phone, which is a pay as you go phone. They may claim this is a work phone or it's for making private calls because work are clamping down on private calls on works mobiles. Pay as you go phones do not have itemised billing and calls and voicemail messages are easily deleted and cannot be retrieved. This covers their tracks nicely, as you cannot check their phone logs or bills.

2. They suddenly develop a new friend of the same gender, who they call and text regularly but you have never met. They know you will ask questions if they suddenly have a new number for someone of the opposite sex, so they save the number and change Bob into Susan or Susan into Bob to allay your suspicions. As adults our friendships tend to develop slowly and we discuss the development of the new friendship with our partner (eg we met for lunch, snippets about their life as you learn more about them). A sudden new 'best friend' that they need to contact and meet regularly, just as children do, can be an indicator of something amiss.

3. After years of working regular hours they start to work overtime or at weekends but they are not earning overtime pay or receive a salary rise or bonus. It really is the oldest one in the book but people still use it because work activities are so often not questioned. This is an obvious indicator if coupled with other signs.

4. They start to hang out with single friends more often. We are all gender biased in favour of our own gender to a degree and single friends will often provide cover stories for married friends affairs. If your partner used to meet a single friend for drinks once a month and it's now twice a week, start asking yourself questions.

5. They start to treat you differently, either less or more affectionately. The age old joke about a husband bringing his wife flowers for no reason being an indicator of an affair is all too often true. Why? Because people that are cheating change emotionally, they are excited, they are happy, they are scared of being caught, etc and only a sociopath can hide these emotional changes. They may go off you totally or try to compensate for their guilty feelings by being more affectionate toward you.

6. They change their appearance, start going to the gym and suddenly become more interested in their looks. We all like to look our best when we are dating and someone new showing interested in us lifts our ego and this makes us more aware of our appearance. They may start to wear new sexier underwear or tighter fitting clothes and spend longer getting ready when they are going out.

7. If you are suspicious and you confront them with your fears they become very defensive and deny, deny, deny. The Two Ronnies once did a brilliant comedy sketch where a wife walks in on her cheating spouse and he simply denies there is a woman in the room, as she is getting dressed in the background. They do not discuss your feelings or concerns, they simply get angry and defensive. If your partner loves you and is not cheating they will be more concerned with dealing with your suspicions but if they are cheating they will simply be concerned about not getting caught and this makes them scared and angry. So if they thrust the phone at you and say "here, call them then" do not back down and say "no, it's ok I believe you", that is exactly the reaction they want. If you take the phone off them to call, a cheating partner will snatch the phone back and start ranting about lack of trust.

There is some excellent advice on ways to catch a cheating partner on Salgado Investigations website and if you suspect your partner is cheating I suggest you read it.

If you are thinking about hiring a private investigator but not sure who to look for in your area then check out Salgado and find a firm that offer similar services where you are. It may seem extreme to employ a PI but these days there is often so much at stake in a divorce that in the long run it may be worth it.

5 Ways to be a Great Date

Most people when asked "are you a great date" would automatically reply either "yes" or "I hope so" but how do you know if you really are a great date?

Is it by the number of times you are asked on a second date or the times your date accepts a second date? Perhaps it is how much you make your date laugh or how long the date last for? Maybe you think it is how well you dress or where you choose to take your date?

The secret to being a good date is all in your attitude, if you are relaxed and having a good time then you will be a good date, no matter what you're wearing or whether that spot on your chin is covered up enough.

Here are some tips to help you become a really good date :

Don't agree to do anything you do not enjoy. Perhaps his passion is fishing or she loves ice skating but unless you also enjoy these activities then you are going to get bored and neither of you will have a good time.

Line the dates up, no seriously keep your options open and date lots of people. If you only have one date every six months then the pressure on getting it right and them being "the one" becomes overpowering for you both. If you make friends of the opposite sex online and don't have a date this Saturday then ask a friend if they want to meet and have some fun.

Unless you can both talk for England then don't opt for the usual evening in a pub or restaurant. If you are not sure you can talk non-stop for four hours or are a little shy then choose to do an activity, go to the cinema or a walk round the local antiques market. It is much harder to relax and flirt when sitting opposite someone for hours trying to keep the conversation going, so opt for an activity that allows you both to relax and have fun with each other.

Keep the conversation positive and light, don't discuss your health issues or how much you hate your boss/ex partner/next door neighbour. Without chemical assistance nobody is upbeat and positive all the time but a first date is not the time to get into your 'issues', you will just come across as a boring winger.

Have something to talk about, read the paper, watch the news, read a book, just have something in your conversation arsenal above and beyond "what's your favourite food?" Don't pretend to be interested in a subject you are not, you will just look silly but even if you just say "I was reading about the US election and I just don't understand their political system" will allow your date to discuss their knowledge of the subject or allow you both to laugh at a subject neither of you understand.

If you want to be a great date then you should also read my tips for 6 things not to discuss or talk about on a first date

Dating dilemmas – Dealing with Jealousy

Dealing with irrational jealousy can be a destructive process, particularly in a newly formed relationship. Jealousy is a natural human emotion and one we often cannot control.

A debate regarding this subject is currently going on in my sites forum about the difference between healthy and unhealthy levels of jealousy. Jealousy is called the green eyed MONSTER for a reason.

A certain degree of jealousy from our partner can be flattering, it shows they care about us but when it gets out of control without good reason it can be very self destructive and may well end your relationship completely.

Can we control our feelings of jealousy and can we even recognise when those feelings are out of control? Like the drunk that 'must' drink but refuses to admit to themselves that they have a problem, are chronically jealous people unable to recognise that their behaviour is destructive?

I would like to share an excellent example of how jealousy can destroy not only a relationship but also how it can effect your partners self esteem, my thanks to Jan for her permission to publish her comments.

"Sometimes a persons own insecurities and how they feel about themselves causes them to feel negative emotions – ie if a person genuinely feels ugly, no amount of compliments about how they look will change their perception of themselves; this can be to a greater or lesser degree … ie a teenager may feel fat – no matter how much friends or relatives reassure the teenager – they eat less and less … they constantly look in the mirror and see a fat person looking back at them; this becomes an illness … an obsessive eating disorder. At this extreme – the individual involved cannot be helped by friendly reassurance or 'positive' feedback from people close to them.

The same applies to many areas of a persons psychological make-up – a person who finds it impossible to feel good about themselves can find it equally impossible to believe that they are worthy of love; this may be a mild insecurity that does indeed respond to reassurance … or it can be a deeper insecurity that will be a great burden to them and will manifest itself in a number of ways – jealousy – possessiveness – depression – and will have a detrimental effect on the relationship they are in… their partner, after continually trying to reassure them, and finding no improvement – will start to retreat. Being the partner of someone who does not trust you and watches your every move and needs constant boosting of their ego becomes very wearing and stretches ones patience to its limits. A 'High maintainence' relationship like this soon loses it appeal. In a normal, healthy relationship, the mutual reasurances and positive input strengthen the bond between the couple.

However, if one or both of the people involved are suffering from deeper emotional insecurities it is not so simple and the more they reassure each other, the more reassurance is needed … it becomes a destructive relationship.

For example — Tim does not feel good about himself (for whatever reason) and he drinks a lot to help boost his confidence; his partner, Jane, is an attractive lady, confident, hardworking and popular. She thinks the world of Tim and has eyes only for him. He, however, because of his feelings of low self esteem, finds it difficult to accept that someone like Jane truly loves him. He is suspicious of her every move – he gets angry if she speaks to anyone of the opposite sex, he rings her 6 times a day … he over reacts if she is late in from work … Jane wants him to be happy; she repeatedly tells him how much she loves him. She starts to avoid any conversations with men in the pub or out socially. She finds herself looking at the floor in order to avoid being accused of 'looking at a man' – She starts to ring Tim as soon as she sets of from work to put his mind at rest … she is feeling the strain of his constant interrogation of her but because she loves him she puts every effort into keeping the peace. However, she starts to feel insulted at his lack of trust in her …. she has never done anything to warrant this constant attack on her faithfulness to Tim … he starts to make her feel that she must be some sort of slut … does she really give Tim the impression that she is 'up for it' and is not to be trusted? She finds her self esteem is slowly depleting … she feels anxious about what she wears (is she dressing like a tart?' )…. anxious about wearing make-up 'Is she courting male attention?' and before she knows it, she is in a relationship where she feels every day she is walking on eggshells trying to keep Tim from getting angry. She has stopped going out with friends (Tim interrogates her upon her return) … she has stopped enjoying socialising with Tim (as soon as he has had a few drinks he starts being unpleasant and accuses her of flirting or 'eyeing up' some bloke in the pub )…

Jane is half the person she used to be … despite all the effort she put into the relationship, despite all her reassurances, the love, the tenderness… Tim has become worse. Jane now has low self esteem … she feels unworthy of being loved …"

Jealousy in a relationship is more often than not about your own self esteem, not about the actions of your loved one. However they are your loved one, why would you want someone you love to feel bad about themselves, why would you want to be the cause of their low self esteem. Of course you wouldn't and if you could control your jealousy you would see the effect it is having on someone you love.

If you have a jealousy problem the first step is to admit that your jealousy is a personal issue and something that is both destructive to you and your partner. For help on recognising and dealing with jealousy please check out the links below, they may just save your relationship.

Truth About Deception offers advice about recognising and dealing with your jealous feelings.

It is not only ladies that check mobile phones, go through pockets and throw a fit the moment their partner glances at someone from the opposite sex. Askmen.com has an excellent article offering Top 10: Ways to deal with jealousy it is worth a read if you have a problem keeping your jealousy under control.

Jealousy can get out of control, so if you are aware that you are acting in an unhealthy jealous way but feel unable to control it yourself then please visit your doctor and ask to be referred to a psychologist. That doesn't mean you are weak, mad or a bad person, it simply means you have an emotion that you are finding hard to deal with. Imagine how good your self esteem, life and relationship could be if you could rid yourself of your irrational jealousy.

If you are in a relationship with a jealous partner and are not behaving in a way that should result in jealousy then try to talk to them, read about jealousy and what causes that level of jealousy to emerge. Urge your partner to seek help for the sake of you both, whether that is through a self help programme or a professional. However do not allow their irrational emotion to cause your self esteem to falter, this is a 'them' issue and no amount of trying to change on your part is going to stop their need for constant reassurance or feelings of jealousy.